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Ask the Dr. Most Recent Question:

Dear Doc…

I have been dating a man for a year who has always let me know  that he is dating other women at the same time.  He has expressed that he is not currently ready for a committed relationship and isn’t sure when he will be.  When I asked him if he could ever see himself in a long term relationship, he was evasive in his answer.  When I found out that he invited one of his other ‘friends’ to his housewarming party and not me, I got mad and cursed him out.  Was I wrong?  A.J.

 

Dear A.J.

Your question has a lot of moving parts so let’s see if we can break this down into workable bits.  First off, I think that you should applaud his honesty for being up front about both dating other people and not wanting to be in a committed relationship.  There are far too many people (both men and women) who are out there creeping around under the pretense of being committed.  He has squarely put the ball in your court, and the choice is yours as to whether you want to be in this type of situation; and the beauty of it is that you can make an informed decision. 

In terms of the tough question that you asked, the reason that he was vague in answering  whether  he could be committed to you is that it was a lose-lose question as far as he was concerned.  If he said ‘yes,’ then he runs the risk of setting up a bunch of expectations in you (some of which he wouldn’t or couldn’t live up to).  This would be disastrous as it would get you thinking in terms of when it would happen, and inevitably having to deal with some form of pressure from you to make it sooner than later.  If he answered ‘no,’ he runs the risk of you deciding that the state of things  isn’t working out and leaving him.  Obviously, in both scenarios, nothing good for him comes out of answering the question.

Lastly, let’s talk about the housewarming party.  To be honest, as someone ‘just dating,’ you really don’t have a grounds for expressing anger (much less cursing him out).  That’s not to say that you shouldn’t feel angry; we feel the way that we feel and are entitled to that.  But to blast him out, when you are not in a committed relationship, seems wrong.  If the situation doesn’t work for you, being someone who goes out on dates but not the ‘girlfriend,’ then leave it.  He has been honest with you, and by your actions you have accepted a non-committed relationship.  Then why should you be justified to curse him out because he was acting in that role?  He didn’t have to invite you to the housewarming (probably because he wanted to avoid the awkward situation of having multiple women that he was dating in the same space), and chose not to.  As always, what you do with that situation is totally up to you.  Your move…

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